Thursday, March 24, 2022

Making Amends

Making amends is typically part of the recovery healing process of addiction.
However, I discovered I need to make amends for my healing process from a toxic relationship. 

Amends are a verbal acknowledgement of your wrongdoing or in my case, acceptance of seeing the transgressions and not speaking up. Making amends is a step towards forgiving myself for allowing people to get hurt or to be deceived.

As I find myself coming out of the fog from the emotional manipulation I faced, I realize I was becoming a person who was ignoring my core morals and values to please my partner. Even though I was not directly involved in the misdeeds, I still saw them and said nothing at the time. It began to eat away at the person I was. I didn't like the person I was becoming.

Making amends will help provide resolution, restore trust, decrease stress, and can be a start to self-forgiveness. I have so much shame I am trying to overcome I hope making amends helps to take that away. 

Feeling shame from the harm we believe we may have caused others can be toxic. Toxic shame  is one of the most complex emotional states which is hard to explain. For me it is a combination of guilt, embarrassment, humiliation and disgrace. Toxic shame is a very destructive emotional sickness of self a person can have. It is a true soul sickness. 

Making amends with people in your life can take a long time to accomplish, sometimes years. For me it's a start to my healing process. Even though I never was on the front line of the deception and transgressions, I feel responsible because many times I didn't see it and I should have. 

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