Wednesday, April 20, 2022

Loving After Emotional Abuse

Traveling this bumpy road of healing, I find myself faced with so many obstacles. As I do when I am traversing the trails in my Jeep, I am extremely cautious because I don't want to get broken again. Wandering down this bumpy road of life broken and trying to put my pieces back together is extremely hard. I have found myself distrustful of everyone I meet. I question everything someone tells me. There are days I feel like everyone is against me and I analyze everything endlessly in my mind. 

When you have been abused, like severe psychological abuse, your perceptions
and view of the world are altered. I lived in a very dark place for several months where my reality was purposely played with by the one person I believed loved me and I trusted. I am afraid I will never get back to that place of loving another person again. It makes me sad because I have so much love to give but I am terrified of being crushed and tossed aside again. The walls around me are stone and high. 

I gave my whole heart to another person only to have it smashed with a hammer so opening up to another person like that again will take a lot of time. I hope I can open up. Right now I don't know if I will ever be able to do that and both those thoughts terrify me. Never being able to give and receive love vs. giving my heart and soul only to have it stomped on and thrown to the vultures has me frozen with fear. Opening myself up to another person friend or a loving life partner will take a lot of work and extreme patience. 

Along this journey I have met so many others on this same healing journey all at different points. I have learned a lot from these same survivors and I wanted to pass on some tips shared with me. It is all about finding yourself after losing yourself to the emotional manipulations. 

  • Fully heal before getting into another relationship.
  • Focus on your recovery. 
  • When you decide to get into another relationship take things slowly
  • If you have people in your life who you trust, who you have known for a long time. Talk to them, they will love you for you, and remind you who you truly are not the person you became from the abuse. 
  • Realize that there are only two primary emotions in life, LOVE and FEAR. You need to get rid of the fear and replace that fear with love. That could be love for things you love to do, love for people who are close to you, love for your work, love of beautiful environments
  • Don’t beat yourself up, you might be a changed person, but you will also be a wiser person
  • Write down a list of ten things that you love about YOU. 

I am trying to come to terms with the risks of meeting another sociopath. My fear is getting involved in another horrible situation but in the same breath missing out on making new friends because I am so fearful. Right now it's baby steps. 

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